Want to be a good programmer ? If so, follow these programming practices and guidelines:
1) Never write a line of code that someone else can understand.
2) Make the simplest line of code appear complex. Use long counter intuitive names.
Don’t ever code “a=b”, rather do something like this :
3) Type fast, think slow.
4) Never use direct references to anything ever.
Bury everything in macros.
Bury the macros in include files.
Reference those include files indirectly from other include files.
Use macros to reference those include files.
5) Never include a comment that will help someone else understand your code.
If they understand it, they don’t need you.
6) Never generate new sources. Always ifdef the old ones. Every binary in the world should be generated from the same sources.
7) Never archive all the sources necessary to build a binary. Always hide on our own disk. If they can build your binary, they don’t need you.
8) Never code a function to return a value. All functions must return a pointer to a structure which contains a pointer to a value.
9) Never discuss things in concrete terms. Always speak in abstract. If they can understand you, they don’t need you.
10) Never complete a project on time. If you do, they will think it was easy and anyone can do it and they don’t need you.
11) When someone stops by your office to ask a question, talk forever, but don’t answer the question. If they get their questions answered, they don’t need you.
12) Load all sentences either written or spoken with alphabet soup. When someone asks you out to lunch, reply:
“I can’t because I’ve almost got my RISC-based OSI/TCP/IP client connected by BIBUS VMS VAX using SMTP over TCP sending SNMP inquiry results to be encapsulated in UDP packets for transmission to a SUN 4/280 NFS 4.3 BSD with release 3.6 of RPC/XDR supporting our ONC effort working.”
13) Never clean your office. Absolutely never throw away an old listing.
14) Never say hello to someone in the hallway. Absolutely never address someone by name. If you must address someone by name, mumble or use the wrong name.
Always maintain the mystique of being spaced out from concentrating on complex logic.
15) Never wear a shirt that matches your pants. Wear a wrinkled shirt whenever possible.
Your shirt must never be tucked in completely. Button the top button without wearing a tie. This will maximize your mystique.