A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee.”
The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to say the word ‘pee’ in church. So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have to ‘whisper.'”
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father,
“Daddy, I have to whisper.”
The father looked at him and said,
“Okay, why don’t you whisper in my ear.”
Me and God
God saw me hungry, he created pizza .
He saw me thirsty, he created pepsi .
He saw me in dark, he created light .
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.
A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, “Hello, could you give me condom. I’m going to my girlfriends for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!”
The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out; he returns and says, “Give me another condom because my girlfriend’s sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too.”
The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says, “Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend’s mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move!
During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him. When the dad gets t here, the boy lowers his head and starts praying, “Dear Lord, bless this dinner and Thank you for all you give us.”
A minute later the boy is still praying; “Thank you Lord for your kindness.” Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, “I didn’t know you were so religious.”
The boy replies, “I didn’t know your dad was a pharmacist!”
God is watching
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray “Take only one. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”
$5 and $10 weight loss programs
Once a man was walking around the New York city and saw, weight loosing service. As he was quite heavy, he thaught why not trying the service.
He went in. The building was quite large. There was a reception he saw. He went there and asked them that he wanted to loose some weight.
The girl at the reception asked him whether he wanted to loose weight for 5$ or 10$. He was not sure about it and choose 5$ as it was cheaper than 10$.
The girl asked him to enter the big door. He entered the door and saw there, a stadium runway like stuff. It was written there to take off his cloths. So, he took off. Suddently, a very very pretty girl, naked, comes up and started running on the runway.
When she started to run, she said, “Do whatever you want to do to me, if u can catch me”. The man looked at her in lust, and start running after her. He tried to catch the girl, but he can’t. Then, after a while, the girl entered a room and disappeared. The man was told that it was already 1 hour and the service is finished. He put on the cloths and went back home.
Luckly, he found that he lost some weight. So he thaught to try 10$ one so that the time will be longer and he can catch the pretty girl. Next day, he went on again and choose 10$ one. As usual he entered the door, and asked to take off his cloths. He was eagerly waiting for the girl. But suddently, the door opens and a huge black nigro came up naked. He said, if u can’t run… I will open ur ass. He ran so fast for longer time and lost more weight than before.
Wake up, son
One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.
MOM : “Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school.”
SON : “But why, Mama? I don’t want to go to school.”
MOM : “Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go to school.”
SON : “One, all the chilldren hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me.”
MOM : “Oh! that’s not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school.”
SON : “Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?”
MOM : “One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old and should understand your responsibilities.
Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school.
Fastest ways of communication
What are the three fastest ways of communication?
Three fastest means of communication in the world.
You still want faster?
Tell her not to tell anyone :-)
It’s for your mom
A man is dying of Cancer.
His son asked him, “Dad, why do ukeep telling people u’re dying of AIDS?”
Answer:”So when I’m dead no one will dare touch ur mom!”
A true story from the Japanese Embassy in US:
Prime Minister Mori was given some basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets with President Bill Clinton.
The instructor told Mori ” Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Clinton, please say ‘how are you’.
Then Mr Clinton should say “I am fine, and you ?”
Now you should say ‘me too’.
Afterwards we, translators, will do all the work for you. It looks quit simple, but the truth is ….
When Mori met Clinton, he mistakenly said “Who Are You?”.
Mr Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor : “Well, I am Hilary’s husband, ha ha…”
Then Mori replied confidently “Me too, ha ha ha..”
Then there was a long silent moment in the meeting room.
The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple’s house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“I’m waiting for my husband to come home from work” the daughter-in-law answered.
“But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.
“This is my love dress” the daughter-in-law explained.
“But you’re naked!” exclaimed the mother-in-law.
“My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will behome from work any minute.” said the daughter-in-law.
The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, took a shower, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“This is my love dress” she replied.
“You should’ve ironed it!” said her husband.
Two Plus Two!!
A young girl came home from school and was heard by her mother reciting her homework: “Two plus two, the son of a bitch is four; four plus four, the son of a bitch is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a bitch–”
“Judy!” shouted her mother. “Watch your language! You’re not
allowed to use swearwords like son of a bitch”
“But, Mom,” replied Judy, “that’s what the teacher taught us, and she said to recite it out loud till we learned it.”
Next day Judy’s mother went to school with her daughter and
right into the classroom to complain. “Oh, heavens!” said the teacher. “That’s not what I taught them. They’re supposed to say, ‘Two plus two, the sum of which is four.’ ”
Punishment for cursing habits
There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American, and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared. Thankful that the 4 released him out of the bottle, he said “Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish.”
“When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool water to become, then your wish will come true.”
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted “WINE”. The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next is the Russian’s turn, he did the same and shouted “VODKA” and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, “BEER”. He was so contented with his beer pool .
The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, “SHIT!!!!!!!!!!………”
Short Story on Religion, Sexuality & Mystery
Njoy!! Have fun!!!
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